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Aug. 25th, 2009


(no subject)

you remind me of when i gave a damn. when i damned myself to loving you. when all four-letter words were good, & good men used them. you remind me of what i've forgotten, how many memories i long for. i remember wanting them, even though they weren't in the forefront of my mind. i thought i knew what i wanted & could get it.

May. 22nd, 2008


writing exercise

tried playing around with this epigraph that's been stuck in my head. after playing some songs at an open mic last night ( & thoroughly embarrassing myself ), i was in a really odd mood. compounded by my craziness & depression, i put on a tv show called 'the universe' & that got my brain going a bit. it's still rough, but i wrote it early this morning so i haven't really revised it or anything ( that, & my spanish is a bit rusty ). constructive feedback is always appreciated.

"Sleep! I close my eyes / & the world is nothing to me."
--Gu Cheng, Life Fantasy.

When I shut my eyes, the words never come.
They never open their beaks & whisper songs
into one another. In that small death that seeps in,
I am in a box being delivered to a faraway place.
I wear a suit of stamps. I don't need to be saved
for anything. Am I breathing, or holding it in
like a sweet puff of smoke? Is my breath
holding me in? It is hard to know;
did I invent the poem in my sleep?

En mis sueños, hablo español perfecto
y nadie lloran y nada esta triste excepto yo
y ninguna persona aman alguien excepto yo
que se ame todos. Los lobos vienen a mi,
pero no se porque. No tengo mas carne a darse.

[ It isn't until the stars close their eyes
that mine shoot open like suns rising. ]

May. 7th, 2008



so i had a weird dream last night. it started off with an intense lightning storm which ended abruptly with the sunniest day. then halloween started & cars filled the streets to pick up people from the side of the road. they were all choosing patients to play surgeon. everyone was in halloween costumes, & then it turned into a movie almost in which i was the serial killer. very strange. i didn't actually dream the murders, just the before & after, at which time the victims were put into awkward postures & had a cartoon character painted on them. the weirdest part though was a champion pit bull that had its brain dissected, removed, & inserted into his torso cavity, which was completely hollow, & was all sewn back up. what was weirder was that the dog was still walking around, panting.

i've been in a bad mood lately. i'm trying to be a good man. i will put it thusly: guys like me deserve nothing. i'm not worth the paper i'm printed on. right now, it's hard to be passionate about anything. anger, depression, it's all blending together. so i was right.

at work, i've been working the line, & doing pretty decent at it. this means a raise, methinks.

"logam" is a swedish term referring to the concept of not too much, & not too little. that is all i think.

Apr. 22nd, 2008


new writing exercise; rough draft poem

It feels like Florida, this April evening, everything sticky as if I'd got some, but didn't, everything murky in its architecture, the night the diary of wet sentences, & here I am sentenced to the writing of mad men, all worn out with who they are, all worried about the merest carrings-on, but caring not, they are but boy scouts who tied their hearts in knots,
& yet, there is a calm about things, a series of whodunits in the midst of knowing that everything, in & of itself, is correct,
there is a nuance of bleakness, but no one despairs, everyone has an equal say in every matter that concerns the body as a whole, & none of which is done in a haphazard way, everything logical though life telescopes into unimportance,
women sag in this weather, despite trying to reckon with the wretched bitch of time, of whose teats nourish all malfeasance,

& through telescopes men see what they desire in themselves: a bright light inside of them ( through an omen of lenses, one can see his heart ( close one eye & you are halfway to seeing, a real seeing, the singsong of the eye breaking a pane of glass & scattering its colors across the room & back, there are shards on the floor, & no one seems to mind, no one makes the least bit of effort to stoop over to pick them up, nor do I, since it seems unbecoming of me to do so ) )

Oct. 1st, 2007


[ it's been a long time, girl ]

been busy. working two jobs does that. today, after work, i was the monitor for a trumpet chair test for the city wide chair trials in bryan. one hour's work, $50. i'm okay with that.

been depressed a lot lately. doing okay today, but have been having my ups & downs. on thursday i have court for my DWI, which is going to be a lot of money, but at least i'll be done with the bullshit of waiting.

i have a great girlfriend. she's sweet as pie.

music is good. just got sevendust's 'best of', & a sepultura album based on dante's inferno. also got copies of stars' album 'in our bedroom after the war' which has a few really good tracks on it, & rilo kiley's new album 'under the blacklight' which is more poppy than their other albums, but has a really great song called 'breakin up' which is spectacular. her voice has gotten even richer, if that's even possible.

i'm hoping wednesday that i win the lottery.

May. 1st, 2007


you have a face that only a chainsaw could love

Hands are for giving
Touch to torsos, fingers for
Exploring where hands can't.

These hands say Please & Thank you.
Fingers say everything else.

Mar. 31st, 2007


accentual hexameter

A man whose knees are coal makes diamonds, prays to God
for time to slowly lull his aching bones to sleep.

Mar. 24th, 2007



stress. i've been working my ass off. my car insurance got canceled because i couldn't pay it, so he's been trying to track me down so he can repossess it. then today, i got a speeding ticket. great. my cell phone is cut off right now as well, & next week i have an eye exam to get new glasses (the first pair i've gotten since before the 9/11 incident) & a dentist appointment (where they'll probably tell me that all my teeth are going to fall out). i hate money. i'm going to punch it in the face.

on the other hand, i have a great group of friends. they all look out for me. i edited some poems for my friend crystal. she looked like she was going to cry afterward since she had never had an actual critique before. i thought i had crushed her soul or something. something as precious as ones writing can cause that effect. but she said that she thought about it for a while, & decided to make some changes to her stuff. she sent it out & 3 days later (which is an unheard of response time) she got two poems published. that's how i roll.

i feel like i am slowly going mad. the words that come out of my mouth at times surprise even me. maybe it's an overactive imagination though. who knows? surely not i.

Mar. 15th, 2007


{ ditto }

i'm on the upswing of the trough on the sine curve, but still pretty low. been trying to be more sociable, but i find my emotions working overtime. i get overstimulated very easily right now.

been trying to write more lately. wrote a haiku last night, but that was it. i need to jump start the creative battery in my brain. my mind is sluggish.

Mar. 8th, 2007

[ tanta lagrima yo ]

{ slow down, buster, you're gonna catch cold }

been in a rut lately. it's been making me feel ill. spent all weekend unable to get out of bed. i'm hoping some time off clear my head. it's helping so far.

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